Friday, October 10, 2014

The Board of Time Management Discusses Adulthood

When God created the world, he wanted to ensure that time went on as normal and that no one interfered with the inner workings; and he created a government for time, so that his creations in general couldn't get anything done.

Said government was called the Board of Time Management, and the Board met today to discuss a special case of human age, the most common topic of discussion before the Board. The person of question was the honorable Jacob “Jake” Buller, who is in the unfortunate position of turning eighteen on the Eleventh.

Debate opened on the floor with a filibuster from an existential philosopher who believed that age is a relativistic construction and doesn't in fact matter in human affairs. Having drank too much Diet Coke, he had to exit the filibuster to use the little boys' room, and discussion resumed on the grim topic of adulthood.

Normally teenagers attain adulthood automatically, a dubious practice, but this case required special consideration, since several board-members raised questions about Buller's general maturity and readiness for adulthood. He was already on their radar due to his queer writing habits, primarily of humor, and that he had other cases of age modification that already ran in the family. (His mother was granted pension by the Board to stay twenty-six for the rest of her life, and one of his siblings, a sixteen-year-old girl with medical aspirations, was accidentally given an irrevocable amendment to her mental age, causing her to have the mind of one who is thirty-two.)

The first half of the debate on whether or not to grant Buller the right to become eighteen started with the opposing party, who brought evidence to the table. (This group primarily consisted of people called, ironically, “old-timers”.) Video footage captured by the NSA showed Buller gallivanting about in a trench-coat on a cold November night, evidence of his relative insanity; more recent footage showed him dancing about his farmhouse to movie soundtrack. At this several of the members who witnessed this video had to be taken to a facility for the mentally unstable, as the sight was deeply disturbing.

Despite these images destructive to the reputation, much of the board was unmoved. Thus, the other side presented their case. While Buller was weirdly unique in some ways, they said, particularly in the fact that he possessed an odd sort of cheerfulness that is obviously unnatural in today's gritty and wonderfully realistic world, he is in fact no worse than any other teenager. As there are different species of Dog, Buller was simply a different species of Teenager, and ought to be rationed out his age accordingly.

Several members objected to this, and said that they strongly felt that Buller was not enough like the typical teenager to be allowed Adulthood in this way. He had neither the wonderful atmosphere of the modern high school to lift him up, nor the egotistic and monocultural American worldview which is essential to the American dream and American society. What is worse, they said, is that Buller had dared to speak out against American society and was recorded on Facebook showing intense disapproval and even vulgarity. Their example followed: "Society is a steaming heap of wormy feces crawling with decadence and shallowness."

The debate devolved from there, and many of the anti-Buller board-members defected to the pro-Teenager party, resulting in a debate on whether Buller should be allowed Adulthood as a Teenager or whether he should be given Adulthood because he didn't like it.

The vote is scheduled to take place shortly before midnight; pundits say that it is likely that Buller will become an adult to-morrow. What they are unsure of is whether it will be a gift or a punishment.


  1. Happy birthday, Jake. May your sense of humor never dim. xD

  2. Lol, 18. What a fun age ( should know since I am ). Funniest birthday post ever! Hopefully your sister actually is 32....otherwise....saying a 16 year old girl is 32 is a compliment. On the other hand, a 32- year old lady doesn't like being compares to a silly, giggly, immature 16-year old. Yeah...strange :b